Unfortunately, I have seen this quite a lot in my work, and it continues to remind me of what is wrong with the child welfare system.

Here are my observations:

1. As others have stated, he is testing you. He has been betrayed so many times that he does not know whether he can trust you. The best thing you can do is show him safety and security and that you will love him unconditionally.

2. As others have also stated, he is still dealing with trauma. Adoption is a tough process for children. It is overwhelming, and he is only nine, not ready to process what is happening. Make sure that his therapist is addressing the trauma that he has been dealing with, and I suggest that you get therapy, too, as you are also going through a very difficult time.

I also am curious to know what kind of relationship he had with his biological family. Is it an open adoption, where he is able to have some interaction with his parents, or is it a closed adoption, where he is not allowed any interaction with them? Here is the reality; you will never replace his biological family, no matter how much love, support, and security you show him, and there is nothing wrong with that. Family bonds are strong. It does not matter if they mistreated him, he will always be connected to them. It is just natural.

Does that make you a lesser parent? No. You are his parents now, and he needs you. As others have said, it will take more than a year to make him feel he is really part of the family. If he is not allowed to have any contact with his biological parent(s) for safety reasons, see if there is any possibility for him to have contact with other relatives, provided that it is safe.

In addition to getting therapy for you and your son, I suggest that you look for an adoptive parent support group, even if it is virtual. I am sure there are others who have gone through what you are going through, and it is helpful to have that support. If there is none you know of, you can always start one.

I also suggest that you look into the organization, You Gotta Believe! They have offices found throughout the nation. Although their focus is on adopting teens, they also provide support to adoptive parents of adolescents, and your son is getting close to that age.

I hope you found this helpful.